Day 106.

It’s been a little over three months since I last felt any semblance of normalcy but I think I’ve finally adjusted to this.. unfamiliar state of things. Which is weird considering in the last three months, I lost a job, I’ve been secluded in my apartment, and a vicious pandemic continues to ravage humankind.

Things were hard at first. There were days when I was unable to get out of bed, nights when I couldn’t sleep until the sun came up. It’s only been a couple of weeks since my sleep cycle went back to normal hours. I constantly feared for the safety of my family in the Philippines. There’s barely any good news to wake up to these days. Not to mention I’ve probably gained a hundred pounds from all the stress eating. The constant barrage of suffering near and far was overwhelming that many times I just felt frozen.

In January when the bushfires were happening in Victoria, I remember how ridiculous I felt at my desk at work while there was haze outside my window. It feels exactly like that everyday now.

Things eventually got too much.

I was consumed by worry over the safety of my loved ones. I was consumed by anger over all the injustices this pandemic had unmasked everywhere in the world. I was consumed by frustration over people who still refuse to take this seriously.

I stayed in that hole for sometime until I was too exhausted.

It got to a point where it felt ridiculous and futile to be killing myself over things that were out of my control.

No amount of worry made me sleep better. None of it brought me peace. And it’s human to lament in the midst of suffering.

My favorite pastor Tim Keller has this quote I always go back to:

If we ask the question ‘why does God allow evil and suffering to continue?’ and we look to the cross of Jesus, we still do not know what the answer is. However, we now know what the answer isn’t. It can’t be that he doesn’t love us. It can’t be that he is indifferent or detached from our condition. God takes our misery and suffering so seriously that he was willing to take it on himself.

These days, I do what I can with what I do have control over. 

Being responsible to not contribute to the spread of the virus. Catching up on books, podcasts and shows. Donating to causes. Getting at least eight hours of sleep. Speaking up against oppression. Growing a plant. Helping out my curly community. Going out for fresh air and walks in the park. Volunteering at our church. Learning to bake bread. Being thankful. Getting involved but not consumed.

One thing I’m learning to do again is create. And I guess that’s why I’ve decided to pick up writing again even though I’m quite rusty at it (I mean, my writing is all over the place in this entry alone). Just make something. Even it’s just for myself. Even if people don’t like it. Make it anyway.

All of this isn’t really much and on a lot of days, it doesn’t feel like a whole lot of difference, but it sure beats spending the entire day in bed.

This dark time will pass eventually, but until then…

All photographs by me. Just a few glimpses of my life in isolation during a pandemic.